the complex messiah
Dear journal,
I started reading CS Lewis’ work on grief. It’s wonderful. And interesting that I feel a little pull toward Christianity right now. It kinda started around exploring Christmas music – the joy and celebration, the praise. Maybe there’s something about it seeming at once familiar to me but also foreign as a personal spiritual resource. Like, what would it mean, and what would it be like to pray, for instance, to Jesus? Or to further explore Christian healing? Or mercy? Initially, Stephen Levine using the word “mercy” was confusing, disorienting. But now I enjoy it, it works.
I’ve had this cold for about 7 days now. I find myself wishing that as my body fights it off and heals from it, that it would fight off and heal the cancer at the same time. That the same inner motions would care for both. Often there’s a kind of bargaining, isn’t there? So much has happened since my diagnosis. So much falling in love with life, and coming to appreciate myself as an amazing person. So much amazement at the strength in G. to support me, along with every other of the many demands in her life. So much dread about the possibility of putting her through inexplicable loss and grief. But I suppose I don’t know what it will be like for her. But also that’s probably just an inner maneuver to soften the blow. Bye for now.
I started reading CS Lewis’ work on grief. It’s wonderful. And interesting that I feel a little pull toward Christianity right now. It kinda started around exploring Christmas music – the joy and celebration, the praise. Maybe there’s something about it seeming at once familiar to me but also foreign as a personal spiritual resource. Like, what would it mean, and what would it be like to pray, for instance, to Jesus? Or to further explore Christian healing? Or mercy? Initially, Stephen Levine using the word “mercy” was confusing, disorienting. But now I enjoy it, it works.
I’ve had this cold for about 7 days now. I find myself wishing that as my body fights it off and heals from it, that it would fight off and heal the cancer at the same time. That the same inner motions would care for both. Often there’s a kind of bargaining, isn’t there? So much has happened since my diagnosis. So much falling in love with life, and coming to appreciate myself as an amazing person. So much amazement at the strength in G. to support me, along with every other of the many demands in her life. So much dread about the possibility of putting her through inexplicable loss and grief. But I suppose I don’t know what it will be like for her. But also that’s probably just an inner maneuver to soften the blow. Bye for now.
