Country time

Dear journal,

I read pianist Jeremy Denk’s lovely piece on Missy Mazzoli’s “Heartbreaker” tune. Starting from the vicissitudes of romantic heartbreak, he extends into his emotional turmoil regarding the “capacity to love the country I live in,” a genuine reeling from the past week’s social and political upheaval in the U.S. I left my home country on the eve of the first Trump administration, and am now deep in the thickets of a possible plan to repatriate into a truly foreboding second Trump administration. My choice a decade ago to become a social worker reflects how deeply I feel about human rights and social justice, and returning to the U.S. at this moment in its history is so deeply unsettling for me. I walked away from my career to give my body a better chance at healing and recovery, but these values still enliven my heart.

But there’s also so much beauty and goodness available in my home country, I know. Not least of which is the possibility for more cancer treatment options for me. The pursuit of life. All this makes such demands of G. though—her time, energy, emotional capacity, all bursting at the seams. During her winter break and new year holiday, instead of relaxing and rejuvenating, she’s searching for jobs, applying for jobs, interviewing for jobs—just yesterday, interviews at one university at 6am and at another university from 9pm-midnight. She’s like a great eagle—her massive, powerful wings outstretched to protect and support me. 

In some Buddhist traditions, they teach about bodhisattvas—spiritual beings who forestall the benefits of their own personal full enlightenment so that they can serve and support other living beings stuck in suffering lives. A lofty and noble spiritual idol that I think may unfortunately misguide some spiritual seekers who would be healthier on a path that’s not so easily translated as self-sacrificing. People who early in life learned that they could receive much needed love and validation when they subverted their own legitimate needs to please or benefit others—folks like this, like me, find corroboration of their fallacious instincts in spiritual paths that overemphasize the ills of Self. Ye ole confirmation bias doing its devilish deeds.

I don’t know whether I’ve ever had an actual bodhisattva in my life. But to the glory of God I have G. in mine. May all beings be blessed with someone like her.