When questions cry for relief

Dear jo,

It’s been nearly three weeks since lung surgery. The surgeon said it went well—he removed 7 nodules, a couple of which didn’t turn out to be malignant. Now I wait a bit longer before restarting chemotherapy, giving my body a bit more time to heal. Worries start to creep in, “Will the cancer spread during this period of no chemotherapy?” Or maybe the break—about 6 weeks—is actually helpful in the long-term. There are some studies suggesting that “less chemotherapy” may be just as effective as “more chemotherapy.” And then there’s the reality that chemotherapy loses its effectiveness each time it’s used, suggesting to save it for only those times when it’s absolutely needed. … These kinds of thoughts I use to soothe anxieties about being off chemotherapy. It’s a shame that these rare vacations from treatment—when the chemotherapy brakes are off and my body is permitted to repair, when physically I can feel the wonderfully vibrant current of life energy dancing inside—it’s a shame that these are the same times when the threat of “what ifs” steal some of the joy that wants to twirl unimpeded. 

Weekly, and sometimes daily, my consumption of U.S. news makes me second-guess our exploration of moving back. Just today, the admin in my online support group for clinical trials posted a query seeking members’ direct experiences of how the Trump administration’s actions curtailing federal funding in the NIH have affected their participation in clinical trials. All of the feedback is disheartening, infuriating. Increasingly, it feels like the opportunities for clinical trials get less better in the U.S. compared to Taiwan. But how bad does it need to get to tip the risk-reward balance in favor of staying in Taiwan? And just today the Alien Seditions Act was wielded by Trump and Co. How bad does it need to get to dissuade my wife’s noble aspirations as an immigrant in the U.S.?

Yesterday G. and I attended a retreat from visiting nuns from Plum Village. We breathed together, we walked together, we practiced loving ourselves, we sang and laughed together. Some questions have exceedingly difficult answers. Thankfully, there’s also breathing and walking and singing.