Making Space

Dear jo,

Nearly three years in the making, this Taiwan-American story took some new turns—over 3500 miles of them, actually. G was required to enter the U.S. by a particular day in mid-August in order to activate her green card immigration status, and though we’re not ready to actually move there yet, we figured I should nevertheless accompany her, and so we turned the occasion into something quite special. She had long wanted to do a big road trip in the U.S., and that’s what we did.

But the first day tasted real sour. Some combination of excessive waiting, our phones not working at all, driving lost around San Francisco with no maps or navigation, and overpriced subpar food selections made us immediately miss Taipei life and worry about our decision to move to the U.S. “I don’t know if I can live like this,” and a real sinking feeling. But day one ended with a breathtaking sunset drive into the greater Yosemite area that was full of such colored brilliance that it made me feel like I was in a Monet painting, and hope was rekindled for the next 9 days of our travels.

Jetlag jolted me awake at 3am the first night, and a part of me started wondering if the radiologist report was ready to read about the CT scan I had a few days prior. Nervously, I logged into my medical records portal and saw it there, waiting to tell me something about my future. It said I had probable cancer recurrences in my liver and lungs. Disappointed, I decided to wait to tell G. This American vacation I wanted to also be a vacation from the cancer patient parts of me, and in many enlivening ways it was.

When you’ve lived on small islands for the last 9 years, the vast and varied geography of the U.S. feels completely endless. Through Yosemite, Death Valley, Antelope Canyon, the Arches of Utah, on through the Rockies and the Midwest and landing at last in western NY state—driving nearly from coast to coast tastes almost of the infinite, especially next to the comparatively quaint islandlife of Okinawa and Taiwan. So, so much space to live and breathe and be in the U.S., and I could feel blossoms coming alive inside myself, and between G and I. Somehow, the trip felt like a renaissance for our marriage, so much so that it shed new light on the variety and depths of loss we’ve weathered together the last few years.

The marvelousness of the trip is difficult to put words to. I’ll include here a highlight reel of pictures to help flesh out some of the brilliance I’ve tried to capture above. The communion with light and joy that was our extended American roadtrip gives me some lifeforce for the coming round of surgeries I’m scheduling, the next act of my cancer drama. https://photos.app.goo.gl/F51moyk8QCKpZZ8t9