Insomniac smiling

Dear jo,

Woke up at 1am, welcome back insomnia. It's been a few days. Did you miss me?

Had a real nice chat with J. yesterday morning. He kindly agreed to a fun watch-n-talk of our high school senior yearbook video. Not quite reminiscing, cause that for me has an air of wanting to be me again back there then. But instead a bit of marveling, and clarifying memories, and dusting off some shiney ones, and reconstructing a few that were somehow unfinished or in disrepair. I really enjoy this activity of recollection with a friend. That's the energy of it that feels so enlivening, the collecting-again of these pieces of life that I know had so much vitality, some sense of boundlessness. Even if it was unmatured or naive. Precious innocence. And when the collecting-again is enacted with a friend, the enjoyment feels multiplied. And I want to honor the memories this life has of itself. 

During our call, my soul was smiling. As it is now in remembering just earlier yesterday. Some of the remembering is lighthearted, dances with humor. Old flames, old memories of relationships that wanted to be flames, old memories daring to become flammable, old memories singed by fires that passed through the thicket of youthfulness. 

Of course, some of the remembering bears the weight of future disappointment or trauma we know those fresh faces would have to later endure. But we can also hold space for their abeyance – is that the right word? We can make a little space for the past persons that didn't yet know their coming losses, or kisses, or terminal diagnoses, or what it would be like to look backwards with an old friend and feel glad to be old enough together to be able look back in such a richly textured manner. 

And feel glad to be young enough to enjoy looking forward to looking back together again soon. 😊