NED

Dear jo,

I’m thinking of different kinds of…let’s call them “states of being.” For instance, tranquility—as one state of being. Sounds like a pleasant one, even a very pleasant one. I think I’ve even been there; I’ve visited. It seems to me to be comprised of various aspects: physiological aspects having to do with our cardiovascular and probably endocrine systems; psychological ones having to do with perception or perhaps a sense of connection; and emotional elements like joy maybe. Of course we can think of all kinds of states of being: peaceful ones, ecstatic ones, apathetic ones.

Yesterday I attained a kind of “state of being.” It’s called NED—”no evidence of disease.” My oncologist told me that my recent imaging is clear, no detectable signs of metastatic activity. Still a couple spots to keep an eye on, but no tumors, no probable tumors, no maybe tumors…NO TUMORS! It was surprising to hear, and fucking wonderful. Earlier that day, we consulted with my lung surgeon about it as well. Three times he said the two words that are impossible to do literally speaking, but positively sweet music coming from someone like him, “Don’t worry.” When my physician quotes Bobby McFerrin, it’s a damn good day.

If I’m being honest, a part of me thought I’d probably never reach this physiological state again. It's been about a year since I was last NED. Psychologically, it’s a bit disorienting in a way….like, wait a minute, this can be true?? But also the angels of hope come flying in, glory and all. Emotionally speaking, it gives such relief, and happiness, and surprise. And also some fear of its temporal qualities. A whole rainbow of emotionality. 

Once you’re NED, you never want to leave. “Let’s get some property and plant a garden!” But I don’t know how long I’ll be here. Instead of worrying, or I should really say in addition to worry, I’m going to try to also have some fun “not knowing.” It takes work to relax the anticipation about what’s around the corner. Fortunately, it’s work I often enjoy. Especially when I have such an amazing team: my body, my wife, my doctors, family and friends, mother earth, modern medicine, prayers and healing practices. Thank you to all – let’s celebrate!!!